Truth (Pt 2 of 6 in "Healing Series")
Truth is best written as an essay. I can let words flow like the faucet I leave on while I brush my teeth, the one you'd turn off so I wouldn't waste water. I hope in this moment I am vulnerable enough for the truth. Perhaps I am physically, I'd be naked but for the towel wrapped around my wet body.
Pang - I bought this towel for you.
I don't feel angry or sadness or highly volatile emotions regularly. Nor do I miss you or think fondly of our old times all that often. It happens as pangs - painful snippets of memory disguised as brokenness. Emotions that I've spent a year stuffing deep into whatever crevices I could find inside me. Anywhere but my heart, I'd think. Anywhere but my heart, I tucked.
I would go days without feeling anything. "I'm back to my former robot self," I used to joke. I laughed but it was not funny.
The truth is I have spent so much of the last year hating you. In truth I have spent so much of the last year loving you. When we don't speak, it's easy to see you as a monster. Every small detail about your life that falls into my lap feels like a personal attack. Every warning that you might be at the same event, a grenade. All I could do was walk away or wait for the explosion.
I have held onto this anger so long because I have been afraid to heal. If I heal, I might love again. If I love again, I could get hurt again. But truth be told, I have to forgive you, I have to forgive myself, and I have to move forward. I have every right to be afraid of love but I cannot let that fear debilitate me.
You are worthy of forgiveness. I am worthy of love. One day I will feel gratitude for having had you in my life, even for the tough times it involved. These are my most important truths. I think, one day soon, I may even start to believe them.